Thursday, September 28, 2006

The Tower of Babel

It's party time for the guys in the tower of Babel
Sodom meet Gomorrah, Cain meet Abel
Have a ball y'all
See the letches crawl
With the call girls under the table
Watch them dig their graves
`Cause Jesus don't save the guys
In the tower of Babel

Saturday, September 23, 2006

I guess I must have lost it on the wind

I'm no longer counting I'm not keeping score
I could say my list of lovers doesn't matter anymore
But some are always in my heart
And some I'm not so sure
Either way they all left their mark
And for some I found a cure


From one you learn something
Another you learn, nothing
And there's one who might teach you everything
But before I learned to listen
And if indeed someone said it
Then I guess I must have lost it on the wind

Back when I was younger each one was a prize
Love just came along and hit you right between the eyes
And one was just a trophy catch
And one was like a curse
Some would want to bleed you dry
Some might quench your thirst

From one you learn something
Another you learn, nothing
And there's one who might teach you everything
But before I learned to listen
And if indeed someone said it
Then I guess I must have lost it on the wind

In cold water I went fishing in warm seas I cast a line
And swore the heart I was reeling in was perfect at the time
You couldn't tell me I was wrong, you couldn't tell me anything
And if you did then I guess I must have lost it on the wind

Saturday, September 09, 2006

2 days + 2 wheels = 1 sore ass

Mary and I awoke early Friday morning and drove to Tignish. The purpose was to fulfill our summer long desire to go on a biking trip. I really didn't prepare for the trip as well as I should have, it was a lazy summer, but I wasn't going to back down. The goal:

- A little over 126km over two days
- 74km for day 1 Tignish to Ellerslie
- 52km for day 2 Ellerslie to Kensington

Here we are at the beginning of our Journey, in the parking lot of the Tignish Co-op. Fresh faced...and oh so naive.

Mary


Me



The beginning of the trail.



The scenery was absolutely beautiful. There were some stretches of the trail that felt like they went on forever.


The road behind...




The road ahead.




We met some interesting folks, like the guy in Alberton who told us about an older husband and wife who were biking the trail together on a rainy day, when the wife had a heart attack and had to spend the rest of their vacation in Hospital. He also said 'Tig'ih'nish', instead of 'Tignish'. Funny guy.

Another interesting person was a hiker not far from O'leary. From behind, all we could see was a huge backpack, loaded with supplies and two walking sticks. It was impossible to tell from behind if it was a man or a woman. Once we got by though, we discovered it was a middle aged lady. She was from Calgary and was going to try making it to O'leary that day. Not sure if she would have made it there before dark at the rate she was going, but at least she had a tent, food and water with her.

Speaking of food and water...time to fuel up.






......ahhhhhhhhhh, that's much better. Moving right along.

I'll skip the more grueling part of the trip and jump right to the B&B. :) My favorite part about day 1! We finally arrived at our Bed and Breakfast after 7 hours. I think somewhere around the 50km mark, my legs began to give out. How I managed the last 24km's, I can't really say. My legs were trembling by the time we arrived at the B&B and I was completely exhausted. We averaged a little better than 10km/ hour on day one.

Here is the B&B we stayed in.




How I spent the majority of my time there...




Thankfully, the Bed and Breakfast had a Jacuzzi tub and I dropped into it for fifteen minutes. I honestly think I would have been stiff as a board the next day, had it not been for that Jacuzzi. Oh, those magical...massaging...jets. Sorry, there are no pictures or videos of my time in the Jacuzzi.

The next morning, we had a wonderful breakfast. It consisted of fresh whole wheat biscuits, blueberry muffins ,hot oatmeal topped with blueberries and maple syrup.....AND...scrambled eggs, toast and tea. So delicious. There was a lovely middle aged couple from South Carolina staying that night as well, and we had a very pleasant conversation with them over breakfast. :) By the end of breakfast, we had been invited to come stay with them, should we ever make it to their neck of the woods. Such pleasant souls and very young in spirit. They were married at a very early age, and now all their children have grown up...so they're alone, exploring the world together. Quite lovely.

Day two was about to begin, and it was once again a beautiful day.




A video of the outside at our B&B




Where day one was an extreme challenge and almost had me crying, day two was a complete joy to do. I think my body had been sufficiently broken in by day one, so by day two, I had finally found my stride. A part of the ease in day two would also have to do with the conditions on the trail. Day one was around 90% upward grade, but day two was more evenly distributed between flat, upward and downward grades.


We arrive, in Summerside!




Summerside chat.



The last 14kms went by in a flash. The weather was just so absolutely gorgeous and the trail so easy to ride, that it really didn't seem like much of a struggle at all. We pulled up to the Train Station in Kensington at 2:10 pm, even though we left twenty minutes later than we expected that morning, we were twenty minutes earlier than we anticipated arriving. Mary's parents were picking us up at 2:30, to take us back to Tignish, where our car awaited us. During that time, we made a shocking discovery...watch...

Kensington: Mission accomplished!



So, how about that? In addition, there were a group of really 'rough edged' teens, just being complete assholes. Leaving our bikes while we went back to Tignish was kind of making us feel uneasy, but we had little choice, so off we went.

When we got back to Kensington, our bikes were there..and all was well. We came home and slept quite soundly.

I think we truly lucked out on the days we chose. It couldn't have been more beautiful...with the exception of the wind, which was blowing in our faces for the entire trip. Day two, while still windy was far more enjoyable and we made much better time...4 1/2 hours for 52kms.

The question now is, do we do another two days 'next weekend'? I'm not sure if we will, but taking a day or two to rest and recover from this one may change my mind. It was fun overall, and really made me feel good about my abilities. I'll report on a possible 'part two' later in the week.

Seeya.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

The empty sky is filled with laughter

A lot of posting today. I just have to rid myself of all the negativity that has built up in me lately. It's making me sad, angry, and fatigued. Many nights I can't get to sleep for all the noise in my head. I remember going to sleep with a smile on my face when I was a child. I could think of almost any foolish thing and it would send me into fits of laughter. These days, I have heavy eyes that I can hardly hold open from day to day. I feel like a song that is no longer sung by anyone, just a record collecting dust on a shelf somewhere.

I'm distressed about what I can do to help my parents. My Mom has a rather serious drinking problem, I've known about it for years and tried to talk to her about it, but of course she denies it vehemently. I understand that she is under a lot of pressure looking after my Dad, and knowing that he is going to die soon can't be easy...but damn it, this isn't helping. It's no different than pumping your body full of a bunch of chemicals to do the job of your immune system...in the end, you weaken that system. Thoughts, solutions, I have none. Just don't know how she is going to deal with life when he actually dies, when she realizes she is completely alone and has nobody in her life to tend to and be a 'purpose' for her to keep going. I'm quite afraid of how she is going to deal with me leaving the Maritimes. Part of the reason I wanted to move to Halifax was to be close, but I realize now that I've been doing that for my whole life...holding myself back to keep my parents happy..and the whole time I've been miserable. I could have left here when I was in my early twenties...instead, I'm pulling anchor at 31 or 32? I've flushed years of possibility down the toilet. Not anymore.

I have to get back to bed, my first attempt to sleep didn't work, I just had to get this out of my mind.

Goodnight.

I held a dandelion, that said the time had come to leave upon the wind.

I've been discussing the future with Mary, and I've come to realize that I have to go away by myself for awhile. I'm not sure for how long, but I have to leave here and find my own way in life for a time. I'm tired of following, I need to take the lead...like I used to, and break a new path. I don't think I'll be moving to Halifax as soon as I anticipated, instead there will be a detour of sorts and I'll go live in Vancouver for awhile. I want to look for work as an actor. I've let fear control me for too long. I'm not sure I really 'hate' Vancouver as much as I think I do, I think I simply fear it. Well, I'm going to pick up some crap job somewhere in the next week or two and save enough money to travel out to Van by train. I'll also have to make sure I can leave Mary with some cash to help out. We haven't really discussed that part of it, but she'll likely need to find a room mate.

I'm afraid...but in a good way I think.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

One of those hard days.

I don't know if it was the lack of sleep, or just a half dozen other things that have been bothering me lately, but today was just a really hard day to get through emotionally.

Got up early to drive Mary to work, and was then on my way to visit my parents for a few hours. It gets harder and harder to see my Dad as he deteriorates. Every time I see him, he just seems to slip a little further away. I keep wondering the whole time I'm with him...how much longer will you be here?

The drive home was rather interesting...there has just been a bunch of different shit on my mind lately. For the majority of the ride, I was filled with so much anger and frustration, that I just couldn't hold back the tears anymore, fuck it...I had to let them go. The emotions are 99% directed at myself. I just don't know what to do with them. I'm ashamed to say that at one point, I had the car pretty much pinned to the floor...I really don't know how fast I was going, but during that time...I really didn't care if the car left the road. I felt this overwhelming urge to hurt myself, I'm just so angry with who I am recently that I couldn't have cared less. In hindsight, now that I've had time to settle down, calm myself and think through things...I'm glad I didn't hurt myself. It's rather alarming how self absorbed we can become, and convince ourselves that nobody gives a shit about us and that we could disappear off the face of the planet without so much as an eyelid flickering at our absence. I really hate it when I lose balance like this and become potentially self destructive and it's usually in those times that I feel like there is nobody I can turn to for help. Whether I have alienated myself from everyone, I'm not sure.

I made it back to town in one piece anyway, and decided to stop into Founders Hall to see if Holly was working. Holly has the ability to lift someone from their darkest moment, simply with her smile. She's a powerful being and thank God she was there today, because I don't think I would have pulled out of it on my own. What an amazing gift to be able to rescue someone from their own selfish sulking...simply by smiling. I hope all of her friends truly appreciate her being as much as I do.

After that, I came home and busied myself with washing the dishes...and that was pretty much my day. Hope you enjoyed a glimpse into my inner turmoil.