Saturday, January 27, 2007

Monday, January 15, 2007

Saying goodbye to an old friend.

Tonight was the wake for my friend Clayton. The reality truly hit home when I saw him in the casket. Clayton is gone, he doesn't exist anymore...except in our memories. He was well loved...you couldn't help but like Clayton, he would do anything for you at the drop of a hat...no questions asked. The old crew didn't get around together as much as they did when we were younger, but when we did hang out...it was always a fun time. We were out on David and June's boat again this summer...Clayton and Graham were hillariously drunk. It was just good fun, we all got along so well. I knew Clayton from way back when I was in Grade three, he and Graham used to hang out all the time...and for some reason, I was totally fascinated by these guys. :) So, I started to follow them around...until the day Graham grabbed me by the wrists, swung me around in a circle and sent me head over heels into a snow bank. Ha! Little did I realize, years later...I would be hanging out with these guys all the time. So many great memories. I guess I was sixteen when we all started hanging out, and I eventually became an official member of 'The Crew'. We were a unique bunch back then...a bunch of crazy teens who didn't drink, we just drove around together and did crazy shit. Adulthood changed things, but we still had fun together.

I think my all time favorite memory of Clayton, is the night that 'Gowan'...yes, eighties rock star 'GOWAN', played at Myrons. Gowan was just wrapping up a gripping, solo rendition of "All the lovers in the world". He was milking it for every ounce of sap and sentiment that he could...like any master of performance would. He delivered the final line..."Alllllllllll, the lovers in..........the.........." HUGE DRAMATIC PAUSE....then we hear a single voice quiver out from the audience in a mock falsetto..."world!!!" The audience erupted in laughter...and Gowan was obviously devastated. His moment of passion...RUINED!!! lol I loved it. It made the show for me.

There are so many other times I can remember Clayton making me laugh. He was just that type of guy. There aren't many people you can honestly say..."they never pissed me off, or did anything cruel to hurt me", but Clayton is one of those rare friends. He was true to his word, true to himself, and a true friend.

He is going to be sorely missed. If the doctors had been more observant, he most certainly would not be dead right now. He was showing all the classic signs of Meningitis...I just don't understand why they didn't become at least a bit suspicious. I guess we can thank our decaying health care system.

Well, tomorrow is the funeral. Within a month, I have buried my father...and now a friend.

Do not think for a moment that my spirit has been dampened. It only makes life that much more beautiful to behold...and the memories I have of Clayton, will be treasured.

Goodnight.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Where to begin...again...

A rough month, and now something horrible has happened to a good friend. My friend Clayton died this weekend. I can't believe this has happened to such a wonderful person, someone only 2 years older than me. It hasn't completely hit home yet, but tomorrow is the wake...tuesday the funeral. The reality of it all will become clear then.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

3 weeks later.

My first update in quite some time. Sorry for being so quiet. I want to start by thanking everyone who emailed, sent cards, left responses on the page, and generally came around to offer support. Mary, Kristin, Lindsey, Sarah, Bev, George, Ashley...thanks for listening. Sorry if I didn't get around to seeing everyone who was home for the holidays, but my energy levels are quite low. I'm mentally and physically exhausted. So, if I saw you and said I would call...drop over...or whatever, don't be offended. I really just have to go with whatever my energy levels allow me to do right now.

Three weeks ago today, my Dad passed away. It would be around 10 hours from now. It's amazing how quickly this has all passed by. The day before, I was helping him with his breakfast in the hospital room and the next...I was watching him become something else...an empty body, my father was nowhere to be found. I've gotten through the grief...I think it helped both my Mom and I that we knew this was coming. Now, I feel I have moved onto the next stage...missing him. When he was still so fresh in my mind...it was easier for a short while, but now the reality of the matter has truly begun to sink in...no new memories will be created with my Dad. I can never hug him again, I can only hear his voice in my head now, or recall how he looked from pictures or past memories. I really do miss him, for his faults and for his strengths. I don't have a problem believing that he's gone, there is no denial, it just hurts that he is no longer there. When he was well enough to be home alone back in the fall, and my Mom was still working, he would call me to see how things were going every day. I was too stupid at the time, to realize just how much that would mean to me when he was gone. God, what a fucking concept life is. To never be able to have a conversation with someone again. I lost two friends when I was younger and I got through that alright, but a parent is so different. Sometimes you trick yourself into thinking they will always be around...how blind. It's the same with our friends really...we forget how fragile we all are...how short lived. Not that we should go around banging on everyone's door each day as if it's our last, but just remaining aware is a good step.

Having some up and down days right now...I'm sure there will be more. I don't want people to feel uncomfortable about calling me. I won't depress you, or put you in a position where you won't know what to say...just call if you have a free moment, I won't turn you away. I need some outside contact, and I don't always have the energy to do something about it on my own right now.

I really miss his voice, his humor, his presence. I've let him go, obviously I had to, but the pain of him being gone will remain. The pain of witnessing that last breath will always be with me...the helplessness, the look in his eyes, the warmth of his hands after there was no longer a trace of him left in his body. It's a lot to absorb...a lot to come to terms with.

I'm lucky to have had him in my life as long as I did...so damn lucky.