I lost my father this week. It has been roughly a decade since he was diagnosed with Lymphoma, he managed to fight that off after a long battle and treatments, but when he was diagnosed with leukemia back in February, the outcome was clear...he would not make it. He took the only option he had left, regular blood transfusions...and lots of care. I don't have the strength my Mom has. Where she found the energy to work full time, and take care of my sick father is beyond me. I tried to help when I could...but I truly pale in comparison. Within the last two months, she finally had to stop working to stay home and care for him full time, an oxygen machine was purchased...that towards the end he wore at all times...blood transfusions were bi=weekly, and even then weren't helping.
Two weeks ago, we found out he had pneumonia in his left lung. He opted to stay at home, rather than go to the hospital. In less than a week, he was admitted to the hospital. On Monday, December 11th...my Dad left the home where I grew up for the last time. I spent that night with him and didn't sleep a wink all night. His lungs were deteriorating, and antibiotics just weren't helping. I did my best to make him comfortable...all night, I watched helplessly as he tried to catch his breath. It was so horrible to see him like this...so afraid, so much pain. The nurses did their best to keep him comfortable. His breathing trouble subsided slightly by the morning, and I fed him his breakfast. I stayed until 11am that morning,it was now tuesday the 12th. My Mom arrived and I came back to town to get some sleep. Tuesday night, I came back for a few more hours. He wasn't conscious when I returned...he did open his eyes a few times, but for the most part, he wasn't there. I opted to come back the next morning and stay with him the whole day.
Wednesday morning, I arrived at 11am just as the nurses where cleaning him up. They said they would just be a few minutes. So Mary and I went to the family room and talked with my Aunt for twenty minutes. For some reason, I felt the need to go back to the room. When I got back, something looked so wrong with my Dad...his eyes were open. For a moment I thought he was awake, but then I realized he was dying. I grabbed his right hand and held onto it tightly, I cradled his head in my other hand. I hope to God he knew I was there. I looked into his eyes, and told him it was alright...just let go...we would be safe, and that it was okay for him to go. He struggled one final breath, and was gone. Writing this now, I can still feel myself ripping apart on the insides. I have never come face to face with anything like this in my entire life. I'm so heartbroken right now. My Dad is gone, but for what it's worth...I'm so happy to have been there to help him leave. I just hope with all my might that he knew I was there...and that he wasn't scared. He deserved so much better than all of this shit he put up with. He suffered so much, and worried so hard about how we would be when he was gone.
I know we'll be alright, but I miss my Dad so much already. My last night spent with him...he was more concerned about me getting sleep...than he was with his struggle to breath. I know he did bad things in the past, but he loved me so much...and I'm going to miss that...God I miss it right now. We buried him this morning at 12pm. I'll never speak to him again, or hug him again.
I love him so much. I miss him so much.
I'm not the same person that I was on Monday...I don't know what will come next.
Goodbye Dad. I love you with all my heart, and I'll never forget you.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Thursday, December 07, 2006
One of those little moments.
Frig, I can't make the tears stop right now, but crying feels good...so I really just need to let it flow.
I just got caught in one of those moments where the good memories of my father are hitting me rather hard. It's going to be so hard to say goodbye when he goes. It feels good to write about this. Mary is at the movies, I don't really want to call anyone...blathering like an idiot...so this is fine. Little details of life come back to us at times like this, I've nursed enough people through it...but never really experienced it first hand myself. Yes, I have experienced friends dying...but it's a very different experience. Their actions didn't shape you, parts of them haven't been imprinted on you since you were an infant. There is just so much fabric that begins to unravel. I'm looking back and remembering how he was, it's so hard to see him suffer like this, in pain and discomfort. It's so hard to watch a parent suffer, no matter what bad things they did in the past. They're still human...they still love you...God, how they unconditionally love you. It's such a wake up call, it's so life affirming. Is there anything more pure than a parents love?
I don't know...
My dad loved to save his spare change. I've never known anyone able to squirrel away change like he could. Quarters, dimes, nickels, loonies...you name it. While I was out visiting today, he gave me two containers full of change and as I was leaving he said, "This will probably be one of the last times that I'll be giving you change." We both realize he has very little time left, maybe less than we both think. Both my mom and I were hoping that he would be well enough to enjoy one last Christmas with us, but it's hard to say at this stage. He has pneumonia in one lung...as if he wasn't weak enough already. It's impossible to tell if he will be around from one day to the next. He wants to stay at home as long as possible, he knows if he goes to the hospital that he likely isn't coming back. I'm torn...I don't want him to go, but I don't want him to suffer like this anymore.
Right now, it makes me cry to remember all the times he and I used to sit on the floor together counting the change he had collected. It was such a simple exercise, but I enjoyed it. They're good memories...fuck the bad ones, just FUCK them! I don't want them, they have no place in my mind anymore. Those memories were a wall between me and my parents. Why the hell do we cling to those few bad memories when there are so many good ones? It has taken me until now to break these walls down, and truly embrace my parents as friends again...not just parents. I don't know why the wall had to go up..I wish it hadn't..I know it was due to the bad things that happened, but what a waste of years. They were like close friends to me at one point...we really connected. Seeing my Mom's face light up is a gift, and I should aim to make it happen more often. I'm just glad that I was finally able to knock that wall down and work on being friends with them again. They need me, I need them. I know I can always trust them to be there for me, even long after they're gone. It's sad to think they'll both be gone someday, but I just hope there is happiness for the rest of their journey on this world.
I feel better, heh, the tears are drying up a bit.
I think I'm done.
I just got caught in one of those moments where the good memories of my father are hitting me rather hard. It's going to be so hard to say goodbye when he goes. It feels good to write about this. Mary is at the movies, I don't really want to call anyone...blathering like an idiot...so this is fine. Little details of life come back to us at times like this, I've nursed enough people through it...but never really experienced it first hand myself. Yes, I have experienced friends dying...but it's a very different experience. Their actions didn't shape you, parts of them haven't been imprinted on you since you were an infant. There is just so much fabric that begins to unravel. I'm looking back and remembering how he was, it's so hard to see him suffer like this, in pain and discomfort. It's so hard to watch a parent suffer, no matter what bad things they did in the past. They're still human...they still love you...God, how they unconditionally love you. It's such a wake up call, it's so life affirming. Is there anything more pure than a parents love?
I don't know...
My dad loved to save his spare change. I've never known anyone able to squirrel away change like he could. Quarters, dimes, nickels, loonies...you name it. While I was out visiting today, he gave me two containers full of change and as I was leaving he said, "This will probably be one of the last times that I'll be giving you change." We both realize he has very little time left, maybe less than we both think. Both my mom and I were hoping that he would be well enough to enjoy one last Christmas with us, but it's hard to say at this stage. He has pneumonia in one lung...as if he wasn't weak enough already. It's impossible to tell if he will be around from one day to the next. He wants to stay at home as long as possible, he knows if he goes to the hospital that he likely isn't coming back. I'm torn...I don't want him to go, but I don't want him to suffer like this anymore.
Right now, it makes me cry to remember all the times he and I used to sit on the floor together counting the change he had collected. It was such a simple exercise, but I enjoyed it. They're good memories...fuck the bad ones, just FUCK them! I don't want them, they have no place in my mind anymore. Those memories were a wall between me and my parents. Why the hell do we cling to those few bad memories when there are so many good ones? It has taken me until now to break these walls down, and truly embrace my parents as friends again...not just parents. I don't know why the wall had to go up..I wish it hadn't..I know it was due to the bad things that happened, but what a waste of years. They were like close friends to me at one point...we really connected. Seeing my Mom's face light up is a gift, and I should aim to make it happen more often. I'm just glad that I was finally able to knock that wall down and work on being friends with them again. They need me, I need them. I know I can always trust them to be there for me, even long after they're gone. It's sad to think they'll both be gone someday, but I just hope there is happiness for the rest of their journey on this world.
I feel better, heh, the tears are drying up a bit.
I think I'm done.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
...it's only change.
I must give the impression
That I have the answers for everything
You were so disappointed
To see me unravel so easily
It's only change
Only everything I know
Even the things that seem still, are still changing.
You want somethings that's constant,
but I only wanted to be me.
You change address and haircuts
and boyfriends and lightbulbs it's easy.
It's only change
Only everything I know
Even the things that seem still, are still changing.
I stay, focussed on details
It keeps me from feeling the big things
But watch the microscope long enough
Things that seem still are still changing
That I have the answers for everything
You were so disappointed
To see me unravel so easily
It's only change
Only everything I know
Even the things that seem still, are still changing.
You want somethings that's constant,
but I only wanted to be me.
You change address and haircuts
and boyfriends and lightbulbs it's easy.
It's only change
Only everything I know
Even the things that seem still, are still changing.
I stay, focussed on details
It keeps me from feeling the big things
But watch the microscope long enough
Things that seem still are still changing
Monday, November 27, 2006
Saturday, November 25, 2006
That's my Bush!
FINALLY!!! After roughly five years, "That's My Bush", has been released on DVD.
For those who never heard about it, back when Bush was first elected, Trey Parker and Matt Stone (south park creators) decided they wanted to do a parody of the modern sitcom..but with a twist. The main character would be the current president in office. The show portrays Bush as a "lovable buffoon". I'm going to invite people over for a "That's My Bush" night. :)
Here is a clip!
For those who never heard about it, back when Bush was first elected, Trey Parker and Matt Stone (south park creators) decided they wanted to do a parody of the modern sitcom..but with a twist. The main character would be the current president in office. The show portrays Bush as a "lovable buffoon". I'm going to invite people over for a "That's My Bush" night. :)
Here is a clip!
Monday, November 20, 2006
I feel like a garbage bag full of pudding.
For the love of God...is there anyone in town who would like a jogging partner? I'm in desperate need to get back in shape. Since Kristin move to Halifax, I've done shit. My pants feel tight, I'm sluggish, moody. I just can't find the motivation to do this on my own. It doesn't help that my gym membership expired and I can't afford to renew.
At any rate, jogging would be better than nothing. So drop a comment if you're up for it.
At any rate, jogging would be better than nothing. So drop a comment if you're up for it.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
To Boldly go....
I've decided that I need a little project. I deliberated on this for awhile and then realized what that project needed to be.
YES, the starship Enterprise. I had one of these when I was a kid that I hastily threw it together. It eventually got broken...I don't exactly remember how, but repairing it didn't go so well. The version I had as a child was around 3 times larger than this version. How small is this version? Well, take a look at the next pic.
No, the spoon isn't part of the kit...it's simply there to show the scale of the model. The thing is pretty damned small, and it's only a snap together version. That being said however, it is also regarded as the most accurate Enterprise model currently available. I will have to add a lot of details myself, windows drilled out, and seams filled with putty...etc, but for $15...this is one sweet little model. :) For some reason, building this thing still fills me with a kind of giddiness that is usually reserved for kids. I'm really looking forward to taking my time on this and making it as accurate as possible. I guess that's my geek speech for now.
As work progresses, I'll post screen shot. Not that anyone is interested, but it's something I'm passionate about. You'll just have to bear with me. :)
YES, the starship Enterprise. I had one of these when I was a kid that I hastily threw it together. It eventually got broken...I don't exactly remember how, but repairing it didn't go so well. The version I had as a child was around 3 times larger than this version. How small is this version? Well, take a look at the next pic.
No, the spoon isn't part of the kit...it's simply there to show the scale of the model. The thing is pretty damned small, and it's only a snap together version. That being said however, it is also regarded as the most accurate Enterprise model currently available. I will have to add a lot of details myself, windows drilled out, and seams filled with putty...etc, but for $15...this is one sweet little model. :) For some reason, building this thing still fills me with a kind of giddiness that is usually reserved for kids. I'm really looking forward to taking my time on this and making it as accurate as possible. I guess that's my geek speech for now.As work progresses, I'll post screen shot. Not that anyone is interested, but it's something I'm passionate about. You'll just have to bear with me. :)
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Sleepless night.
I haven't had anything to say on here recently, but then it hasn't felt all that important lately. I guess I've just been thinking a lot lately, mainly about my father. I can see him slipping away faster than ever now. The blood transfusions help him less, and his body looks smaller and feels far more frail every time I give him a hug. He's still at home, my Mom is now finished working so she can stay home with him. He's not in any state to be left alone anymore. I know the end is coming soon. It's difficult to get my head around the concept that...maybe tomorrow, or maybe in two weeks, my father could be gone. Maybe he'll still be here for Christmas, but if he is...will he be well enough to even experience it. What will it feel like after my father is no longer here, when he is nothing more than a memory. I've lost other relatives, friends, but this is something entirely different. I'm going to be losing a parent, someone who raised me...and for better or worse, someone whose actions shaped me into the person I am today.
I was out for the night last week, and the next morning before I had to come back into town...I made breakfast for him and then we sat down and talked for a little while. It's strange how we'll linger on those moments when we know there are fewer ahead of us. I knew he was trying not to cry when I hugged him goodbye that day, and as he stood in the doorway while I drove away, I couldn't help but feel a sense of loss knowing that someday very soon he wouldn't be standing there anymore. Despite the shitty things he did to my mom and I in the past, there is still a wonderful soul inside the man. He has a very dry, cynical wit...and for the life of me...he comes out with some pretty damned funny zingers that crack me up. Whatever shaped him and made him so insecure that he would lash out at us in his misdirected drunken rages, I can't hold any of it against him. I forgave him long ago...long before I knew how sick he would become years later. Believe me, it is no easy task to forgive someone who has caused you that much mental anguish and upset when you were growing up...in my heart though, I knew I would suffer the same fate he did if I didn't let it all go. So I have, time and again. I can also say with a clear conscience and open heart, that having always forgiven my father for the things he did, you can be sure that anyone else who has hurt me in any way has also been forgiven. I can't hold grudges, I won't nurture hate...I don't have time for it. Trust me, anything you're hanging onto...just let it go and you will be all the better for it.
I've tried my hardest to be the best person towards others I could possibley be. The things I'm least proud of in my life can not equal a fraction of what my father did to hurt my Mom and I. He did some seriously disturbed things. I know I've chosen the wrong words sometimes, made very poor decisions...and have inadvertenly hurt people as a result...but I've never raised a hand to strike out at anyone, or intentionally planned to cause anyone pain. I'm hoping with all my soul, that people are willing to be as forgiving towards me as I have been towards my father, and as I have also been towards them.
So now I'm back to staring at the screen. I'm trying to forget about the bad things he did, and all the things I saw him do that still make my stomach twist into knots to this day. Despite everything, all I can think is how much I'm going to miss my Dad, I love him very much. The fact that I can still say I love the man, after everything he did, speaks volumes for how quickly we sometimes dismiss people from our lives....for little to no reason.
Edit: Special thanks to the Spam Bot that posted four comments to offer me fucking PORN to comfort me. How thoughtful. It's great that I can't leave my website open so people can comment without having to jump through a dozen hoops. The inconsiderate in this world make me sick.
I was out for the night last week, and the next morning before I had to come back into town...I made breakfast for him and then we sat down and talked for a little while. It's strange how we'll linger on those moments when we know there are fewer ahead of us. I knew he was trying not to cry when I hugged him goodbye that day, and as he stood in the doorway while I drove away, I couldn't help but feel a sense of loss knowing that someday very soon he wouldn't be standing there anymore. Despite the shitty things he did to my mom and I in the past, there is still a wonderful soul inside the man. He has a very dry, cynical wit...and for the life of me...he comes out with some pretty damned funny zingers that crack me up. Whatever shaped him and made him so insecure that he would lash out at us in his misdirected drunken rages, I can't hold any of it against him. I forgave him long ago...long before I knew how sick he would become years later. Believe me, it is no easy task to forgive someone who has caused you that much mental anguish and upset when you were growing up...in my heart though, I knew I would suffer the same fate he did if I didn't let it all go. So I have, time and again. I can also say with a clear conscience and open heart, that having always forgiven my father for the things he did, you can be sure that anyone else who has hurt me in any way has also been forgiven. I can't hold grudges, I won't nurture hate...I don't have time for it. Trust me, anything you're hanging onto...just let it go and you will be all the better for it.
I've tried my hardest to be the best person towards others I could possibley be. The things I'm least proud of in my life can not equal a fraction of what my father did to hurt my Mom and I. He did some seriously disturbed things. I know I've chosen the wrong words sometimes, made very poor decisions...and have inadvertenly hurt people as a result...but I've never raised a hand to strike out at anyone, or intentionally planned to cause anyone pain. I'm hoping with all my soul, that people are willing to be as forgiving towards me as I have been towards my father, and as I have also been towards them.
So now I'm back to staring at the screen. I'm trying to forget about the bad things he did, and all the things I saw him do that still make my stomach twist into knots to this day. Despite everything, all I can think is how much I'm going to miss my Dad, I love him very much. The fact that I can still say I love the man, after everything he did, speaks volumes for how quickly we sometimes dismiss people from our lives....for little to no reason.
Edit: Special thanks to the Spam Bot that posted four comments to offer me fucking PORN to comfort me. How thoughtful. It's great that I can't leave my website open so people can comment without having to jump through a dozen hoops. The inconsiderate in this world make me sick.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Friday, September 29, 2006
Thursday, September 28, 2006
The Tower of Babel
It's party time for the guys in the tower of Babel
Sodom meet Gomorrah, Cain meet Abel
Have a ball y'all
See the letches crawl
With the call girls under the table
Watch them dig their graves
`Cause Jesus don't save the guys
In the tower of Babel
Sodom meet Gomorrah, Cain meet Abel
Have a ball y'all
See the letches crawl
With the call girls under the table
Watch them dig their graves
`Cause Jesus don't save the guys
In the tower of Babel
Saturday, September 23, 2006
I guess I must have lost it on the wind
I'm no longer counting I'm not keeping score
I could say my list of lovers doesn't matter anymore
But some are always in my heart
And some I'm not so sure
Either way they all left their mark
And for some I found a cure
From one you learn something
Another you learn, nothing
And there's one who might teach you everything
But before I learned to listen
And if indeed someone said it
Then I guess I must have lost it on the wind
Back when I was younger each one was a prize
Love just came along and hit you right between the eyes
And one was just a trophy catch
And one was like a curse
Some would want to bleed you dry
Some might quench your thirst
From one you learn something
Another you learn, nothing
And there's one who might teach you everything
But before I learned to listen
And if indeed someone said it
Then I guess I must have lost it on the wind
In cold water I went fishing in warm seas I cast a line
And swore the heart I was reeling in was perfect at the time
You couldn't tell me I was wrong, you couldn't tell me anything
And if you did then I guess I must have lost it on the wind
I could say my list of lovers doesn't matter anymore
But some are always in my heart
And some I'm not so sure
Either way they all left their mark
And for some I found a cure
From one you learn something
Another you learn, nothing
And there's one who might teach you everything
But before I learned to listen
And if indeed someone said it
Then I guess I must have lost it on the wind
Back when I was younger each one was a prize
Love just came along and hit you right between the eyes
And one was just a trophy catch
And one was like a curse
Some would want to bleed you dry
Some might quench your thirst
From one you learn something
Another you learn, nothing
And there's one who might teach you everything
But before I learned to listen
And if indeed someone said it
Then I guess I must have lost it on the wind
In cold water I went fishing in warm seas I cast a line
And swore the heart I was reeling in was perfect at the time
You couldn't tell me I was wrong, you couldn't tell me anything
And if you did then I guess I must have lost it on the wind
Saturday, September 09, 2006
2 days + 2 wheels = 1 sore ass
Mary and I awoke early Friday morning and drove to Tignish. The purpose was to fulfill our summer long desire to go on a biking trip. I really didn't prepare for the trip as well as I should have, it was a lazy summer, but I wasn't going to back down. The goal:
- A little over 126km over two days
- 74km for day 1 Tignish to Ellerslie
- 52km for day 2 Ellerslie to Kensington
Here we are at the beginning of our Journey, in the parking lot of the Tignish Co-op. Fresh faced...and oh so naive.
Mary
Me
The beginning of the trail.
The scenery was absolutely beautiful. There were some stretches of the trail that felt like they went on forever.
The road behind...
The road ahead.
We met some interesting folks, like the guy in Alberton who told us about an older husband and wife who were biking the trail together on a rainy day, when the wife had a heart attack and had to spend the rest of their vacation in Hospital. He also said 'Tig'ih'nish', instead of 'Tignish'. Funny guy.
Another interesting person was a hiker not far from O'leary. From behind, all we could see was a huge backpack, loaded with supplies and two walking sticks. It was impossible to tell from behind if it was a man or a woman. Once we got by though, we discovered it was a middle aged lady. She was from Calgary and was going to try making it to O'leary that day. Not sure if she would have made it there before dark at the rate she was going, but at least she had a tent, food and water with her.
Speaking of food and water...time to fuel up.
......ahhhhhhhhhh, that's much better. Moving right along.
I'll skip the more grueling part of the trip and jump right to the B&B. :) My favorite part about day 1! We finally arrived at our Bed and Breakfast after 7 hours. I think somewhere around the 50km mark, my legs began to give out. How I managed the last 24km's, I can't really say. My legs were trembling by the time we arrived at the B&B and I was completely exhausted. We averaged a little better than 10km/ hour on day one.
Here is the B&B we stayed in.
How I spent the majority of my time there...
Thankfully, the Bed and Breakfast had a Jacuzzi tub and I dropped into it for fifteen minutes. I honestly think I would have been stiff as a board the next day, had it not been for that Jacuzzi. Oh, those magical...massaging...jets. Sorry, there are no pictures or videos of my time in the Jacuzzi.
The next morning, we had a wonderful breakfast. It consisted of fresh whole wheat biscuits, blueberry muffins ,hot oatmeal topped with blueberries and maple syrup.....AND...scrambled eggs, toast and tea. So delicious. There was a lovely middle aged couple from South Carolina staying that night as well, and we had a very pleasant conversation with them over breakfast. :) By the end of breakfast, we had been invited to come stay with them, should we ever make it to their neck of the woods. Such pleasant souls and very young in spirit. They were married at a very early age, and now all their children have grown up...so they're alone, exploring the world together. Quite lovely.
Day two was about to begin, and it was once again a beautiful day.
A video of the outside at our B&B
Where day one was an extreme challenge and almost had me crying, day two was a complete joy to do. I think my body had been sufficiently broken in by day one, so by day two, I had finally found my stride. A part of the ease in day two would also have to do with the conditions on the trail. Day one was around 90% upward grade, but day two was more evenly distributed between flat, upward and downward grades.
We arrive, in Summerside!
Summerside chat.
The last 14kms went by in a flash. The weather was just so absolutely gorgeous and the trail so easy to ride, that it really didn't seem like much of a struggle at all. We pulled up to the Train Station in Kensington at 2:10 pm, even though we left twenty minutes later than we expected that morning, we were twenty minutes earlier than we anticipated arriving. Mary's parents were picking us up at 2:30, to take us back to Tignish, where our car awaited us. During that time, we made a shocking discovery...watch...
Kensington: Mission accomplished!
So, how about that? In addition, there were a group of really 'rough edged' teens, just being complete assholes. Leaving our bikes while we went back to Tignish was kind of making us feel uneasy, but we had little choice, so off we went.
When we got back to Kensington, our bikes were there..and all was well. We came home and slept quite soundly.
I think we truly lucked out on the days we chose. It couldn't have been more beautiful...with the exception of the wind, which was blowing in our faces for the entire trip. Day two, while still windy was far more enjoyable and we made much better time...4 1/2 hours for 52kms.
The question now is, do we do another two days 'next weekend'? I'm not sure if we will, but taking a day or two to rest and recover from this one may change my mind. It was fun overall, and really made me feel good about my abilities. I'll report on a possible 'part two' later in the week.
Seeya.
- A little over 126km over two days
- 74km for day 1 Tignish to Ellerslie
- 52km for day 2 Ellerslie to Kensington
Here we are at the beginning of our Journey, in the parking lot of the Tignish Co-op. Fresh faced...and oh so naive.
Mary
Me
The beginning of the trail.
The scenery was absolutely beautiful. There were some stretches of the trail that felt like they went on forever.
The road behind...
The road ahead.
We met some interesting folks, like the guy in Alberton who told us about an older husband and wife who were biking the trail together on a rainy day, when the wife had a heart attack and had to spend the rest of their vacation in Hospital. He also said 'Tig'ih'nish', instead of 'Tignish'. Funny guy.
Another interesting person was a hiker not far from O'leary. From behind, all we could see was a huge backpack, loaded with supplies and two walking sticks. It was impossible to tell from behind if it was a man or a woman. Once we got by though, we discovered it was a middle aged lady. She was from Calgary and was going to try making it to O'leary that day. Not sure if she would have made it there before dark at the rate she was going, but at least she had a tent, food and water with her.
Speaking of food and water...time to fuel up.
......ahhhhhhhhhh, that's much better. Moving right along.
I'll skip the more grueling part of the trip and jump right to the B&B. :) My favorite part about day 1! We finally arrived at our Bed and Breakfast after 7 hours. I think somewhere around the 50km mark, my legs began to give out. How I managed the last 24km's, I can't really say. My legs were trembling by the time we arrived at the B&B and I was completely exhausted. We averaged a little better than 10km/ hour on day one.
Here is the B&B we stayed in.
How I spent the majority of my time there...
Thankfully, the Bed and Breakfast had a Jacuzzi tub and I dropped into it for fifteen minutes. I honestly think I would have been stiff as a board the next day, had it not been for that Jacuzzi. Oh, those magical...massaging...jets. Sorry, there are no pictures or videos of my time in the Jacuzzi.
The next morning, we had a wonderful breakfast. It consisted of fresh whole wheat biscuits, blueberry muffins ,hot oatmeal topped with blueberries and maple syrup.....AND...scrambled eggs, toast and tea. So delicious. There was a lovely middle aged couple from South Carolina staying that night as well, and we had a very pleasant conversation with them over breakfast. :) By the end of breakfast, we had been invited to come stay with them, should we ever make it to their neck of the woods. Such pleasant souls and very young in spirit. They were married at a very early age, and now all their children have grown up...so they're alone, exploring the world together. Quite lovely.
Day two was about to begin, and it was once again a beautiful day.
A video of the outside at our B&B
Where day one was an extreme challenge and almost had me crying, day two was a complete joy to do. I think my body had been sufficiently broken in by day one, so by day two, I had finally found my stride. A part of the ease in day two would also have to do with the conditions on the trail. Day one was around 90% upward grade, but day two was more evenly distributed between flat, upward and downward grades.
We arrive, in Summerside!
Summerside chat.
The last 14kms went by in a flash. The weather was just so absolutely gorgeous and the trail so easy to ride, that it really didn't seem like much of a struggle at all. We pulled up to the Train Station in Kensington at 2:10 pm, even though we left twenty minutes later than we expected that morning, we were twenty minutes earlier than we anticipated arriving. Mary's parents were picking us up at 2:30, to take us back to Tignish, where our car awaited us. During that time, we made a shocking discovery...watch...
Kensington: Mission accomplished!
So, how about that? In addition, there were a group of really 'rough edged' teens, just being complete assholes. Leaving our bikes while we went back to Tignish was kind of making us feel uneasy, but we had little choice, so off we went.
When we got back to Kensington, our bikes were there..and all was well. We came home and slept quite soundly.
I think we truly lucked out on the days we chose. It couldn't have been more beautiful...with the exception of the wind, which was blowing in our faces for the entire trip. Day two, while still windy was far more enjoyable and we made much better time...4 1/2 hours for 52kms.
The question now is, do we do another two days 'next weekend'? I'm not sure if we will, but taking a day or two to rest and recover from this one may change my mind. It was fun overall, and really made me feel good about my abilities. I'll report on a possible 'part two' later in the week.
Seeya.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
The empty sky is filled with laughter
A lot of posting today. I just have to rid myself of all the negativity that has built up in me lately. It's making me sad, angry, and fatigued. Many nights I can't get to sleep for all the noise in my head. I remember going to sleep with a smile on my face when I was a child. I could think of almost any foolish thing and it would send me into fits of laughter. These days, I have heavy eyes that I can hardly hold open from day to day. I feel like a song that is no longer sung by anyone, just a record collecting dust on a shelf somewhere.
I'm distressed about what I can do to help my parents. My Mom has a rather serious drinking problem, I've known about it for years and tried to talk to her about it, but of course she denies it vehemently. I understand that she is under a lot of pressure looking after my Dad, and knowing that he is going to die soon can't be easy...but damn it, this isn't helping. It's no different than pumping your body full of a bunch of chemicals to do the job of your immune system...in the end, you weaken that system. Thoughts, solutions, I have none. Just don't know how she is going to deal with life when he actually dies, when she realizes she is completely alone and has nobody in her life to tend to and be a 'purpose' for her to keep going. I'm quite afraid of how she is going to deal with me leaving the Maritimes. Part of the reason I wanted to move to Halifax was to be close, but I realize now that I've been doing that for my whole life...holding myself back to keep my parents happy..and the whole time I've been miserable. I could have left here when I was in my early twenties...instead, I'm pulling anchor at 31 or 32? I've flushed years of possibility down the toilet. Not anymore.
I have to get back to bed, my first attempt to sleep didn't work, I just had to get this out of my mind.
Goodnight.
I'm distressed about what I can do to help my parents. My Mom has a rather serious drinking problem, I've known about it for years and tried to talk to her about it, but of course she denies it vehemently. I understand that she is under a lot of pressure looking after my Dad, and knowing that he is going to die soon can't be easy...but damn it, this isn't helping. It's no different than pumping your body full of a bunch of chemicals to do the job of your immune system...in the end, you weaken that system. Thoughts, solutions, I have none. Just don't know how she is going to deal with life when he actually dies, when she realizes she is completely alone and has nobody in her life to tend to and be a 'purpose' for her to keep going. I'm quite afraid of how she is going to deal with me leaving the Maritimes. Part of the reason I wanted to move to Halifax was to be close, but I realize now that I've been doing that for my whole life...holding myself back to keep my parents happy..and the whole time I've been miserable. I could have left here when I was in my early twenties...instead, I'm pulling anchor at 31 or 32? I've flushed years of possibility down the toilet. Not anymore.
I have to get back to bed, my first attempt to sleep didn't work, I just had to get this out of my mind.
Goodnight.
I held a dandelion, that said the time had come to leave upon the wind.
I've been discussing the future with Mary, and I've come to realize that I have to go away by myself for awhile. I'm not sure for how long, but I have to leave here and find my own way in life for a time. I'm tired of following, I need to take the lead...like I used to, and break a new path. I don't think I'll be moving to Halifax as soon as I anticipated, instead there will be a detour of sorts and I'll go live in Vancouver for awhile. I want to look for work as an actor. I've let fear control me for too long. I'm not sure I really 'hate' Vancouver as much as I think I do, I think I simply fear it. Well, I'm going to pick up some crap job somewhere in the next week or two and save enough money to travel out to Van by train. I'll also have to make sure I can leave Mary with some cash to help out. We haven't really discussed that part of it, but she'll likely need to find a room mate.
I'm afraid...but in a good way I think.
I'm afraid...but in a good way I think.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
One of those hard days.
I don't know if it was the lack of sleep, or just a half dozen other things that have been bothering me lately, but today was just a really hard day to get through emotionally.
Got up early to drive Mary to work, and was then on my way to visit my parents for a few hours. It gets harder and harder to see my Dad as he deteriorates. Every time I see him, he just seems to slip a little further away. I keep wondering the whole time I'm with him...how much longer will you be here?
The drive home was rather interesting...there has just been a bunch of different shit on my mind lately. For the majority of the ride, I was filled with so much anger and frustration, that I just couldn't hold back the tears anymore, fuck it...I had to let them go. The emotions are 99% directed at myself. I just don't know what to do with them. I'm ashamed to say that at one point, I had the car pretty much pinned to the floor...I really don't know how fast I was going, but during that time...I really didn't care if the car left the road. I felt this overwhelming urge to hurt myself, I'm just so angry with who I am recently that I couldn't have cared less. In hindsight, now that I've had time to settle down, calm myself and think through things...I'm glad I didn't hurt myself. It's rather alarming how self absorbed we can become, and convince ourselves that nobody gives a shit about us and that we could disappear off the face of the planet without so much as an eyelid flickering at our absence. I really hate it when I lose balance like this and become potentially self destructive and it's usually in those times that I feel like there is nobody I can turn to for help. Whether I have alienated myself from everyone, I'm not sure.
I made it back to town in one piece anyway, and decided to stop into Founders Hall to see if Holly was working. Holly has the ability to lift someone from their darkest moment, simply with her smile. She's a powerful being and thank God she was there today, because I don't think I would have pulled out of it on my own. What an amazing gift to be able to rescue someone from their own selfish sulking...simply by smiling. I hope all of her friends truly appreciate her being as much as I do.
After that, I came home and busied myself with washing the dishes...and that was pretty much my day. Hope you enjoyed a glimpse into my inner turmoil.
Got up early to drive Mary to work, and was then on my way to visit my parents for a few hours. It gets harder and harder to see my Dad as he deteriorates. Every time I see him, he just seems to slip a little further away. I keep wondering the whole time I'm with him...how much longer will you be here?
The drive home was rather interesting...there has just been a bunch of different shit on my mind lately. For the majority of the ride, I was filled with so much anger and frustration, that I just couldn't hold back the tears anymore, fuck it...I had to let them go. The emotions are 99% directed at myself. I just don't know what to do with them. I'm ashamed to say that at one point, I had the car pretty much pinned to the floor...I really don't know how fast I was going, but during that time...I really didn't care if the car left the road. I felt this overwhelming urge to hurt myself, I'm just so angry with who I am recently that I couldn't have cared less. In hindsight, now that I've had time to settle down, calm myself and think through things...I'm glad I didn't hurt myself. It's rather alarming how self absorbed we can become, and convince ourselves that nobody gives a shit about us and that we could disappear off the face of the planet without so much as an eyelid flickering at our absence. I really hate it when I lose balance like this and become potentially self destructive and it's usually in those times that I feel like there is nobody I can turn to for help. Whether I have alienated myself from everyone, I'm not sure.
I made it back to town in one piece anyway, and decided to stop into Founders Hall to see if Holly was working. Holly has the ability to lift someone from their darkest moment, simply with her smile. She's a powerful being and thank God she was there today, because I don't think I would have pulled out of it on my own. What an amazing gift to be able to rescue someone from their own selfish sulking...simply by smiling. I hope all of her friends truly appreciate her being as much as I do.
After that, I came home and busied myself with washing the dishes...and that was pretty much my day. Hope you enjoyed a glimpse into my inner turmoil.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Sunday, August 13, 2006
The Bridge
I've seen the bridge and the bridge is long
And they built it high and they built it strong
Strong enough to hold the weight of time
Long enough to leave some of us behind
And every one of us has to face that day
Do you cross the bridge or do you fade away
And every one of us that ever came to play
Has to cross the bridge or fade away
Standing on the bridge looking at the waves
Seen so many jump, never seen one saved
On a distant beach your song can die
On a bitter wind, on a cruel tide
And the bridge it shines
Oh cold hard iron
Saying come and risk it all
Or die trying
And they built it high and they built it strong
Strong enough to hold the weight of time
Long enough to leave some of us behind
And every one of us has to face that day
Do you cross the bridge or do you fade away
And every one of us that ever came to play
Has to cross the bridge or fade away
Standing on the bridge looking at the waves
Seen so many jump, never seen one saved
On a distant beach your song can die
On a bitter wind, on a cruel tide
And the bridge it shines
Oh cold hard iron
Saying come and risk it all
Or die trying
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