I haven't had anything to say on here recently, but then it hasn't felt all that important lately. I guess I've just been thinking a lot lately, mainly about my father. I can see him slipping away faster than ever now. The blood transfusions help him less, and his body looks smaller and feels far more frail every time I give him a hug. He's still at home, my Mom is now finished working so she can stay home with him. He's not in any state to be left alone anymore. I know the end is coming soon. It's difficult to get my head around the concept that...maybe tomorrow, or maybe in two weeks, my father could be gone. Maybe he'll still be here for Christmas, but if he is...will he be well enough to even experience it. What will it feel like after my father is no longer here, when he is nothing more than a memory. I've lost other relatives, friends, but this is something entirely different. I'm going to be losing a parent, someone who raised me...and for better or worse, someone whose actions shaped me into the person I am today.
I was out for the night last week, and the next morning before I had to come back into town...I made breakfast for him and then we sat down and talked for a little while. It's strange how we'll linger on those moments when we know there are fewer ahead of us. I knew he was trying not to cry when I hugged him goodbye that day, and as he stood in the doorway while I drove away, I couldn't help but feel a sense of loss knowing that someday very soon he wouldn't be standing there anymore. Despite the shitty things he did to my mom and I in the past, there is still a wonderful soul inside the man. He has a very dry, cynical wit...and for the life of me...he comes out with some pretty damned funny zingers that crack me up. Whatever shaped him and made him so insecure that he would lash out at us in his misdirected drunken rages, I can't hold any of it against him. I forgave him long ago...long before I knew how sick he would become years later. Believe me, it is no easy task to forgive someone who has caused you that much mental anguish and upset when you were growing up...in my heart though, I knew I would suffer the same fate he did if I didn't let it all go. So I have, time and again. I can also say with a clear conscience and open heart, that having always forgiven my father for the things he did, you can be sure that anyone else who has hurt me in any way has also been forgiven. I can't hold grudges, I won't nurture hate...I don't have time for it. Trust me, anything you're hanging onto...just let it go and you will be all the better for it.
I've tried my hardest to be the best person towards others I could possibley be. The things I'm least proud of in my life can not equal a fraction of what my father did to hurt my Mom and I. He did some seriously disturbed things. I know I've chosen the wrong words sometimes, made very poor decisions...and have inadvertenly hurt people as a result...but I've never raised a hand to strike out at anyone, or intentionally planned to cause anyone pain. I'm hoping with all my soul, that people are willing to be as forgiving towards me as I have been towards my father, and as I have also been towards them.
So now I'm back to staring at the screen. I'm trying to forget about the bad things he did, and all the things I saw him do that still make my stomach twist into knots to this day. Despite everything, all I can think is how much I'm going to miss my Dad, I love him very much. The fact that I can still say I love the man, after everything he did, speaks volumes for how quickly we sometimes dismiss people from our lives....for little to no reason.
Edit: Special thanks to the Spam Bot that posted four comments to offer me fucking PORN to comfort me. How thoughtful. It's great that I can't leave my website open so people can comment without having to jump through a dozen hoops. The inconsiderate in this world make me sick.
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6 comments:
sorry about your father. I have no porn to offer to make you feel better... My mom died not so long ago... It gets better....
Thanks, I really appreciate the support. My dad is still having some ok days, but it's evident that he likely doesn't have too much longer. It's really freaky. Puts our own existence in question, you know?
Tim,
I know it has been a while. But I still have you in mind, and I hope you are doing well. I think you are very strong and have handled everything you have gone through so far with great grace and compassion.
I run into people (that I haven't seen in ages) in the weirdest ways online. I forget exactly how it was I stumbled upon you... I think I saw you as a friend of someone on MySpace. Then, I noticed your peilocals pic within your other pics. I put the two together, and somehow found my way onto your blog. Ain't the net weird?
Sorry to hear about your dad. The death of a parent is often something I wonder about, too. At least it sounds like his illness is bringing you two closer. If it's any consolation... morbid, blunt, and insensitive as it may sound... I watched my grandmother pass away last June. She literally passed away as I watched, just minutes after I'd arrived at the hospital. I'd watched her decline over a relatively short period of time... but to be there when she actually passed away... to see death in front of my eyes... it was a real blessing, I guess. It was a first for me, and you know, it was kind of re-assuring or something. Here... I'll copy and paste something I wrote on my own blog after it happened:
my parents and us there
it was so quiet, so peaceful, so natural
with shorter gurgled breaths
until one last small one
like she was already gone and her body just slowed down
until it unabruptly stopped
like a clock that keeps losing time until it forever pauses
like any other living thing
it was such a natural end to life
I know it must seem surreal and sad for you, but just keep trying to pull positive things from your experiences all the time. By the way... if you didn't figure out who I am yet, it's Stephen McQuaid. Glad I stumbled onto your site.
@Joy - You're always in my thoughts as well Miss. I don't know why so much time has passed without seeing each other, but I haven't forgotten you. There isn't a single week that goes by where I haven't thought about you. We should really see each other soon...the year has simply flown away.
@Stephen, thanks for sharing your experience with me. I really appreciate it. Hearing what other people have experienced definitely helps to keep things in perspective. I find it interesting how time and maturity alter our appreciation for just how quickly life passes us by. My own first experience was with my Great Grand Mother, back when I was seven years old. I think she was just over ninety at the time. We were all in the room when she passed away. Similar to your experience, there were shorter and shorter breaths and then ...no more. She left as quietly as she lived. I still remember her quite well, we used to visit her often in the Montague Manor. I think I've finally grown to appreciate how the elders I grew up around, would reach back into the past and talk about people they used to know, when new memories with those people were no longer an option. I've lost a couple of good friends over the years, and that's a nice slap of reality. It really makes you appreciate everyone around you that much more, and truly cherish every moment you get to spend with them, because they'll never come again. I know, it sounds sappy and sentimental, but it's the truth. Time is like a rare currency and you're only given so much of it. Once it's spent, that's it.
It might sound odd, but I really hope I'm there when my father passes away. I don't want him to go alone...I want to be there to hold his hand. Even if he's not conscious, it's still important for me to help him and comfort him. Much like I remember him comforting me, and protecting me as a child. For all the bad, there was still very much good to remember and that's what I try to do...forget the bad, because it's really not worth remembering.
I'm at 36 1/2 hours without sleep right now, so I'm likely rambling. I had to pull an all nighter to finish some work for a client (graphic design). I'm going to sleep soooo deeply tonight. :)
Thanks again for your thoughts. :)
I'm surprised just how coherent I actually was when I wrote that. Whoa. I finally went to sleep shortly after the 37 hour mark. Everything from yesterday seems like a dream. I certainly won't be pulling that stunt again to appeal to impatient clients. No way.
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