...it's only change.

I must give the impression
That I have the answers for everything
You were so disappointed
To see me unravel so easily
It's only change
Only everything I know
Even the things that seem still, are still changing.

You want somethings that's constant,
but I only wanted to be me.
You change address and haircuts
and boyfriends and lightbulbs it's easy.
It's only change
Only everything I know
Even the things that seem still, are still changing.

I stay, focussed on details
It keeps me from feeling the big things
But watch the microscope long enough
Things that seem still are still changing

Above the quiet, there's a buzz...

...that's me, trying.

That's my Bush!

FINALLY!!! After roughly five years, "That's My Bush", has been released on DVD.

For those who never heard about it, back when Bush was first elected, Trey Parker and Matt Stone (south park creators) decided they wanted to do a parody of the modern sitcom..but with a twist. The main character would be the current president in office. The show portrays Bush as a "lovable buffoon". I'm going to invite people over for a "That's My Bush" night. :)

Here is a clip!

I feel like a garbage bag full of pudding.

For the love of God...is there anyone in town who would like a jogging partner? I'm in desperate need to get back in shape. Since Kristin move to Halifax, I've done shit. My pants feel tight, I'm sluggish, moody. I just can't find the motivation to do this on my own. It doesn't help that my gym membership expired and I can't afford to renew.

At any rate, jogging would be better than nothing. So drop a comment if you're up for it.

To Boldly go....

I've decided that I need a little project. I deliberated on this for awhile and then realized what that project needed to be.
YES, the starship Enterprise. I had one of these when I was a kid that I hastily threw it together. It eventually got broken...I don't exactly remember how, but repairing it didn't go so well. The version I had as a child was around 3 times larger than this version. How small is this version? Well, take a look at the next pic.

No, the spoon isn't part of the kit...it's simply there to show the scale of the model. The thing is pretty damned small, and it's only a snap together version. That being said however, it is also regarded as the most accurate Enterprise model currently available. I will have to add a lot of details myself, windows drilled out, and seams filled with putty...etc, but for $15...this is one sweet little model. :) For some reason, building this thing still fills me with a kind of giddiness that is usually reserved for kids. I'm really looking forward to taking my time on this and making it as accurate as possible. I guess that's my geek speech for now.

As work progresses, I'll post screen shot. Not that anyone is interested, but it's something I'm passionate about. You'll just have to bear with me. :)

Sleepless night.

I haven't had anything to say on here recently, but then it hasn't felt all that important lately. I guess I've just been thinking a lot lately, mainly about my father. I can see him slipping away faster than ever now. The blood transfusions help him less, and his body looks smaller and feels far more frail every time I give him a hug. He's still at home, my Mom is now finished working so she can stay home with him. He's not in any state to be left alone anymore. I know the end is coming soon. It's difficult to get my head around the concept that...maybe tomorrow, or maybe in two weeks, my father could be gone. Maybe he'll still be here for Christmas, but if he is...will he be well enough to even experience it. What will it feel like after my father is no longer here, when he is nothing more than a memory. I've lost other relatives, friends, but this is something entirely different. I'm going to be losing a parent, someone who raised me...and for better or worse, someone whose actions shaped me into the person I am today.

I was out for the night last week, and the next morning before I had to come back into town...I made breakfast for him and then we sat down and talked for a little while. It's strange how we'll linger on those moments when we know there are fewer ahead of us. I knew he was trying not to cry when I hugged him goodbye that day, and as he stood in the doorway while I drove away, I couldn't help but feel a sense of loss knowing that someday very soon he wouldn't be standing there anymore. Despite the shitty things he did to my mom and I in the past, there is still a wonderful soul inside the man. He has a very dry, cynical wit...and for the life of me...he comes out with some pretty damned funny zingers that crack me up. Whatever shaped him and made him so insecure that he would lash out at us in his misdirected drunken rages, I can't hold any of it against him. I forgave him long ago...long before I knew how sick he would become years later. Believe me, it is no easy task to forgive someone who has caused you that much mental anguish and upset when you were growing up...in my heart though, I knew I would suffer the same fate he did if I didn't let it all go. So I have, time and again. I can also say with a clear conscience and open heart, that having always forgiven my father for the things he did, you can be sure that anyone else who has hurt me in any way has also been forgiven. I can't hold grudges, I won't nurture hate...I don't have time for it. Trust me, anything you're hanging onto...just let it go and you will be all the better for it.

I've tried my hardest to be the best person towards others I could possibley be. The things I'm least proud of in my life can not equal a fraction of what my father did to hurt my Mom and I. He did some seriously disturbed things. I know I've chosen the wrong words sometimes, made very poor decisions...and have inadvertenly hurt people as a result...but I've never raised a hand to strike out at anyone, or intentionally planned to cause anyone pain. I'm hoping with all my soul, that people are willing to be as forgiving towards me as I have been towards my father, and as I have also been towards them.

So now I'm back to staring at the screen. I'm trying to forget about the bad things he did, and all the things I saw him do that still make my stomach twist into knots to this day. Despite everything, all I can think is how much I'm going to miss my Dad, I love him very much. The fact that I can still say I love the man, after everything he did, speaks volumes for how quickly we sometimes dismiss people from our lives....for little to no reason.

Edit: Special thanks to the Spam Bot that posted four comments to offer me fucking PORN to comfort me. How thoughtful. It's great that I can't leave my website open so people can comment without having to jump through a dozen hoops. The inconsiderate in this world make me sick.