One of those hard days.

I don't know if it was the lack of sleep, or just a half dozen other things that have been bothering me lately, but today was just a really hard day to get through emotionally.

Got up early to drive Mary to work, and was then on my way to visit my parents for a few hours. It gets harder and harder to see my Dad as he deteriorates. Every time I see him, he just seems to slip a little further away. I keep wondering the whole time I'm with him...how much longer will you be here?

The drive home was rather interesting...there has just been a bunch of different shit on my mind lately. For the majority of the ride, I was filled with so much anger and frustration, that I just couldn't hold back the tears anymore, fuck it...I had to let them go. The emotions are 99% directed at myself. I just don't know what to do with them. I'm ashamed to say that at one point, I had the car pretty much pinned to the floor...I really don't know how fast I was going, but during that time...I really didn't care if the car left the road. I felt this overwhelming urge to hurt myself, I'm just so angry with who I am recently that I couldn't have cared less. In hindsight, now that I've had time to settle down, calm myself and think through things...I'm glad I didn't hurt myself. It's rather alarming how self absorbed we can become, and convince ourselves that nobody gives a shit about us and that we could disappear off the face of the planet without so much as an eyelid flickering at our absence. I really hate it when I lose balance like this and become potentially self destructive and it's usually in those times that I feel like there is nobody I can turn to for help. Whether I have alienated myself from everyone, I'm not sure.

I made it back to town in one piece anyway, and decided to stop into Founders Hall to see if Holly was working. Holly has the ability to lift someone from their darkest moment, simply with her smile. She's a powerful being and thank God she was there today, because I don't think I would have pulled out of it on my own. What an amazing gift to be able to rescue someone from their own selfish sulking...simply by smiling. I hope all of her friends truly appreciate her being as much as I do.

After that, I came home and busied myself with washing the dishes...and that was pretty much my day. Hope you enjoyed a glimpse into my inner turmoil.