A lot of posting today. I just have to rid myself of all the negativity that has built up in me lately. It's making me sad, angry, and fatigued. Many nights I can't get to sleep for all the noise in my head. I remember going to sleep with a smile on my face when I was a child. I could think of almost any foolish thing and it would send me into fits of laughter. These days, I have heavy eyes that I can hardly hold open from day to day. I feel like a song that is no longer sung by anyone, just a record collecting dust on a shelf somewhere.
I'm distressed about what I can do to help my parents. My Mom has a rather serious drinking problem, I've known about it for years and tried to talk to her about it, but of course she denies it vehemently. I understand that she is under a lot of pressure looking after my Dad, and knowing that he is going to die soon can't be easy...but damn it, this isn't helping. It's no different than pumping your body full of a bunch of chemicals to do the job of your immune system...in the end, you weaken that system. Thoughts, solutions, I have none. Just don't know how she is going to deal with life when he actually dies, when she realizes she is completely alone and has nobody in her life to tend to and be a 'purpose' for her to keep going. I'm quite afraid of how she is going to deal with me leaving the Maritimes. Part of the reason I wanted to move to Halifax was to be close, but I realize now that I've been doing that for my whole life...holding myself back to keep my parents happy..and the whole time I've been miserable. I could have left here when I was in my early twenties...instead, I'm pulling anchor at 31 or 32? I've flushed years of possibility down the toilet. Not anymore.
I have to get back to bed, my first attempt to sleep didn't work, I just had to get this out of my mind.
Goodnight.
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3 comments:
I'm understanding this post. It's hitting a chord. I've been going through a lot of soul searching lately and trying to figure out what I want. The problem with knowing what I want is trying to put it into action and the belief that I'm too old for trying to start on a different path when I've wasted too many years of potential and mis-directed ambition.
Good luck with your travels (spiritually, emotionally and professionally).
You can't spend your life trying to please others, or even comprimising because you think that will help someone else. Everyone has their life to live, and though it is tough and we all need support at different times, you have to give yourself the right to be happy with yourself and your choices. And your life. No one else's. Go for it Tim. You deserve it.
@Joy: I do believe what you're saying can be true, in part, but as a whole it doesn't completely ring true for me as an individual. I feel that I'm here, on this earth, to help other people. Sometimes I fail, sometimes I succeed....not always equally. The cost to myself isn't monetary, it's spiritual, and in many cases it means I'm short changed. Others don't always feel the same way I do, and I accept that.
Quite often, I am fortunate enough to receive as much as I have given. A soul might pass through my life for a period of time, who makes me feel whole again. In the end, it's a delicate balance between helping and being helped. I guess my point is, we shouldn't view it as sacrificing, or compromising to please others, that's one perspective that will leave us empty. It's more the idea of supporting and nurturing each other, and in turn we end up nurturing ourselves. Everything good that we have taught others, comes back to us when if return it in kind, just like every bad lesson we have taught will also come back to us. When we realize the network we have constructed, by way of the lives we have touched around us, we slowly begin to realize that we don't exist beyond the fragile constructs of our own imaginations.
I fully agree, everyone does have their life to live, but if the price of our supreme happiness is the victims laying in waste in our wake, can it be justified? Can our success, eclipse a loved ones misery? That's the dilemma that is eating away at me right now. How can I balance my decisions, so that the people I care about suffer the least. It's important. I wish our governments would take the time to ask the same questions before they send people off to die in their little wars.
Life would be easier if people practiced living.
@ellabel
I know what you mean. There were goals I set for myself that have come and gone. They weren't unrealistic, but somehow I let them pass by. Heh, here I am...still lamenting about them. I've decided that I just have to uproot and then plant myself in unknown territory. The struggle to survive in an uncomfortable situation is the key in my case. I've just grown far to complacent and fearful of the world around me.
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