I lost my father this week. It has been roughly a decade since he was diagnosed with Lymphoma, he managed to fight that off after a long battle and treatments, but when he was diagnosed with leukemia back in February, the outcome was clear...he would not make it. He took the only option he had left, regular blood transfusions...and lots of care. I don't have the strength my Mom has. Where she found the energy to work full time, and take care of my sick father is beyond me. I tried to help when I could...but I truly pale in comparison. Within the last two months, she finally had to stop working to stay home and care for him full time, an oxygen machine was purchased...that towards the end he wore at all times...blood transfusions were bi=weekly, and even then weren't helping.
Two weeks ago, we found out he had pneumonia in his left lung. He opted to stay at home, rather than go to the hospital. In less than a week, he was admitted to the hospital. On Monday, December 11th...my Dad left the home where I grew up for the last time. I spent that night with him and didn't sleep a wink all night. His lungs were deteriorating, and antibiotics just weren't helping. I did my best to make him comfortable...all night, I watched helplessly as he tried to catch his breath. It was so horrible to see him like this...so afraid, so much pain. The nurses did their best to keep him comfortable. His breathing trouble subsided slightly by the morning, and I fed him his breakfast. I stayed until 11am that morning,it was now tuesday the 12th. My Mom arrived and I came back to town to get some sleep. Tuesday night, I came back for a few more hours. He wasn't conscious when I returned...he did open his eyes a few times, but for the most part, he wasn't there. I opted to come back the next morning and stay with him the whole day.
Wednesday morning, I arrived at 11am just as the nurses where cleaning him up. They said they would just be a few minutes. So Mary and I went to the family room and talked with my Aunt for twenty minutes. For some reason, I felt the need to go back to the room. When I got back, something looked so wrong with my Dad...his eyes were open. For a moment I thought he was awake, but then I realized he was dying. I grabbed his right hand and held onto it tightly, I cradled his head in my other hand. I hope to God he knew I was there. I looked into his eyes, and told him it was alright...just let go...we would be safe, and that it was okay for him to go. He struggled one final breath, and was gone. Writing this now, I can still feel myself ripping apart on the insides. I have never come face to face with anything like this in my entire life. I'm so heartbroken right now. My Dad is gone, but for what it's worth...I'm so happy to have been there to help him leave. I just hope with all my might that he knew I was there...and that he wasn't scared. He deserved so much better than all of this shit he put up with. He suffered so much, and worried so hard about how we would be when he was gone.
I know we'll be alright, but I miss my Dad so much already. My last night spent with him...he was more concerned about me getting sleep...than he was with his struggle to breath. I know he did bad things in the past, but he loved me so much...and I'm going to miss that...God I miss it right now. We buried him this morning at 12pm. I'll never speak to him again, or hug him again.
I love him so much. I miss him so much.
I'm not the same person that I was on Monday...I don't know what will come next.
Goodbye Dad. I love you with all my heart, and I'll never forget you.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
8 comments:
I am sorry for your loss, Tim. Know that my love and thoughts are with you during this difficult time.
Thank you so much. It truly helps, and means a lot to me. I'm just trying to keep doing the things I would normally be doing...it really helps in keeping my mind from falling into dark places. I know it will get easier in time, but waiting for that time to pass is something else entirely.
Again, with all my heart, thank you.
tim....my thoughts and love and prayers are with you. i'm so glad you were there for him when he needed you most.
may he rest in peace, and may you find peace as well.
many hugs,
janelle
Oh, Tim. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure your being there meant more to him than he could ever tell you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I just wish I could give you a hug, but I will, and soon. He's not suffering any more, I hope you find peace in that.
*HUG*
Thinking of you and your family Tim. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Tim -- Words alone can not assuage the pain felt by your father's death. I wish I could offer you sage advice but the truth is, nobody can fill the void that remains.
It hit me quite hard when you said you're not the same person you were on Monday and that you don't know what will come next. I'm struggling with those same thoughts and have for some time; I just haven't been able to say those words out loud to myself. If I can offer you one piece of advice that I failed to heed during my own losses is that you should rely on the ones that offer to help share your load this day, the next day, and each day until you are able to be strong for yourself. Make good choices; mourn and grieve as long as you need just make a promise to yourself that you will re-engage yourself with living your own life when you can because that's what he would want you to do. Trust me, Tim... you won't forget him... ever.
With warm respect...
-- Jay
Sorry for your loss Tim.
I was thinking about you & this today. It took me awhile to finally find your blog again, but I did.
Tim, I really feel for you. I'm wellin' up here. No mean feat.
This reminds me of time in the hospital with my two grandparents. It's such a unique, odd, time and experience, isn't it?. It gets better, though, as you'd know. It's a big part of life, and, really, it's a real privilege (in a way) to be there with someone at that time. It's hard to know if people ae always "there" when they're still alive, but part of them must be. It's nice to think they know we're there and it makes them feel better.
I find it inspiring how you cling to the good memories and put the screws to the bad ones.
I hope you're feeling well, man. I'm sending out some peace & comfort your way.
Post a Comment