3 weeks later.

My first update in quite some time. Sorry for being so quiet. I want to start by thanking everyone who emailed, sent cards, left responses on the page, and generally came around to offer support. Mary, Kristin, Lindsey, Sarah, Bev, George, Ashley...thanks for listening. Sorry if I didn't get around to seeing everyone who was home for the holidays, but my energy levels are quite low. I'm mentally and physically exhausted. So, if I saw you and said I would call...drop over...or whatever, don't be offended. I really just have to go with whatever my energy levels allow me to do right now.

Three weeks ago today, my Dad passed away. It would be around 10 hours from now. It's amazing how quickly this has all passed by. The day before, I was helping him with his breakfast in the hospital room and the next...I was watching him become something else...an empty body, my father was nowhere to be found. I've gotten through the grief...I think it helped both my Mom and I that we knew this was coming. Now, I feel I have moved onto the next stage...missing him. When he was still so fresh in my mind...it was easier for a short while, but now the reality of the matter has truly begun to sink in...no new memories will be created with my Dad. I can never hug him again, I can only hear his voice in my head now, or recall how he looked from pictures or past memories. I really do miss him, for his faults and for his strengths. I don't have a problem believing that he's gone, there is no denial, it just hurts that he is no longer there. When he was well enough to be home alone back in the fall, and my Mom was still working, he would call me to see how things were going every day. I was too stupid at the time, to realize just how much that would mean to me when he was gone. God, what a fucking concept life is. To never be able to have a conversation with someone again. I lost two friends when I was younger and I got through that alright, but a parent is so different. Sometimes you trick yourself into thinking they will always be around...how blind. It's the same with our friends really...we forget how fragile we all are...how short lived. Not that we should go around banging on everyone's door each day as if it's our last, but just remaining aware is a good step.

Having some up and down days right now...I'm sure there will be more. I don't want people to feel uncomfortable about calling me. I won't depress you, or put you in a position where you won't know what to say...just call if you have a free moment, I won't turn you away. I need some outside contact, and I don't always have the energy to do something about it on my own right now.

I really miss his voice, his humor, his presence. I've let him go, obviously I had to, but the pain of him being gone will remain. The pain of witnessing that last breath will always be with me...the helplessness, the look in his eyes, the warmth of his hands after there was no longer a trace of him left in his body. It's a lot to absorb...a lot to come to terms with.

I'm lucky to have had him in my life as long as I did...so damn lucky.