One of those little moments.

Frig, I can't make the tears stop right now, but crying feels good...so I really just need to let it flow.

I just got caught in one of those moments where the good memories of my father are hitting me rather hard. It's going to be so hard to say goodbye when he goes. It feels good to write about this. Mary is at the movies, I don't really want to call anyone...blathering like an idiot...so this is fine. Little details of life come back to us at times like this, I've nursed enough people through it...but never really experienced it first hand myself. Yes, I have experienced friends dying...but it's a very different experience. Their actions didn't shape you, parts of them haven't been imprinted on you since you were an infant. There is just so much fabric that begins to unravel. I'm looking back and remembering how he was, it's so hard to see him suffer like this, in pain and discomfort. It's so hard to watch a parent suffer, no matter what bad things they did in the past. They're still human...they still love you...God, how they unconditionally love you. It's such a wake up call, it's so life affirming. Is there anything more pure than a parents love?

I don't know...

My dad loved to save his spare change. I've never known anyone able to squirrel away change like he could. Quarters, dimes, nickels, loonies...you name it. While I was out visiting today, he gave me two containers full of change and as I was leaving he said, "This will probably be one of the last times that I'll be giving you change." We both realize he has very little time left, maybe less than we both think. Both my mom and I were hoping that he would be well enough to enjoy one last Christmas with us, but it's hard to say at this stage. He has pneumonia in one lung...as if he wasn't weak enough already. It's impossible to tell if he will be around from one day to the next. He wants to stay at home as long as possible, he knows if he goes to the hospital that he likely isn't coming back. I'm torn...I don't want him to go, but I don't want him to suffer like this anymore.

Right now, it makes me cry to remember all the times he and I used to sit on the floor together counting the change he had collected. It was such a simple exercise, but I enjoyed it. They're good memories...fuck the bad ones, just FUCK them! I don't want them, they have no place in my mind anymore. Those memories were a wall between me and my parents. Why the hell do we cling to those few bad memories when there are so many good ones? It has taken me until now to break these walls down, and truly embrace my parents as friends again...not just parents. I don't know why the wall had to go up..I wish it hadn't..I know it was due to the bad things that happened, but what a waste of years. They were like close friends to me at one point...we really connected. Seeing my Mom's face light up is a gift, and I should aim to make it happen more often. I'm just glad that I was finally able to knock that wall down and work on being friends with them again. They need me, I need them. I know I can always trust them to be there for me, even long after they're gone. It's sad to think they'll both be gone someday, but I just hope there is happiness for the rest of their journey on this world.

I feel better, heh, the tears are drying up a bit.

I think I'm done.